Hello Friends,
Today I begin a new chapter in my life and presumably a better one in occupying my useless time, which I have lots of. I make my foray into the world of Blogging. Firstly, I must confess I was toying with the idea since two years but it took me this night when I just could not put a clamp on my thoughts.
This arduous night has finally made me come to terms with the 'Demons' inside me and I have decided to bare my 'inner soul', Because I have been all this while sweeping everything under the carpet and now it has gotten real dirty.
I hope everyone finds some entertainment, some despair, some sarcasm and some satire over all my blogs, before I retire. Hope everyone treats this as a PERSONAL opinion and anything here can be seconded as well as treated with utter disdain.
And any reference to any person living or dead or somewhere thereabouts is purely incidental and sometimes intentional. I Plead Forgiveness for that.
So the thought that didn't let me sleep is bit complex as far as I am concerned. Neither have I completely understood what it demands nor do I understand the limits of operation in such a case. Well, it took a few often colorful Hindi Retro songs to spur the restlessness in me until I reached a tipping point.
Guys I Pour my Heart out, My First Blog.................................on a Sour Note
Friends/Friendship is one area that has historically, statistically, proven that I often have fallen short regarding something, which I cannot fathom or comprehend. That something has kept me from completely ushering in the joys and I believe i have not played my part any where next to 'Satisfactory'. Such a feeling though prominent has always arisen to great extents lately. The sequence of events in my life and the results thereof has made me sheepish in rendering my best to something that cannot be one-sided, FRIENDSHIP. And the thought of not doing so has often led me into asphyxiation and eventual ignorance of my incompetence.
I am a person who genetically has been cold blooded. So reacting to situations on-the-go does not come easily to me. I try to look in hindsight and understand what took place, whether I was correct in doing something I did, or i wasn't, whether I behaved or not. Well one of those hindsight is being put in writing today.
I have always believed reacting unnecessarily when not needed as better virtue. Little did I know that the same virtue would come to my undoing. People time and again (I believe) have taken some things for granted regarding my behaviour and me not reacting has made matters worse.
How? Here's what I think could be the missing link, that something I have had difficulties understanding. Acts (to which) I have not reacted have kept on adding up until they have reached the brim. And once that has happened is the time when my character has been found wanting. Once things have overflown is when I have started to disintegrate and drifting away from the bond instantaneously without applying a post-thought (which I do ages later). I have never given certain situations enough time to explain themselves. I have never let a person know of my dislike for certain mannerisms of theirs. The person on the other side does not even have an inkling of my running out of patience and things then have started to come unstruck. (Well, even letting your side be known upfront has not been accepted, which leaves me nowhere to go)
This is the time if given a chance, I would so love to rectify. I think I could do a better job if the whole scenario played itself out again. This wisdom comes to me as an after-thought and would like to believe I would behave constructively when confronted with the same again. Better even, if I never had the disadvantage of letting things go out of hand (in the first place), but that cannot be changed. That's the person in me, it would take a Character Assassination. What can be changed is the way I behave (after the events), what cannot be changed is the way i react (to those events).
The mere fact that I have been losing Friends right from my childhood underlines the thought and justifies my restlessness in putting this (nonsense) in front of you. I have been vastly lucky to have maintained a few great ones over the years, but i believe that is largely due to my friends being real gems at heart. Those have ignored my shortcomings time and again and have stood by me. Thanks a lot for that.
Now those coz and for whom this blog exists: My best friend from school, other from my classes, two others (during my heydays) and a lady.
The person with whom I learned the tricks and trades, the intricacies of my favorite game, Cricket. The one who was my partner in crime when the question of plucking Guavas from the neighbour's tree came to. I don't know what happened................may be I never understood him.
The person who was very close to me. Roaming on a Scooter lapping the city without a license or giving a damn. Siding with each other when confronted by parents. I don't know what happened...............may be I thought I had found better ones, so never kept in touch with him.
The two whom I learned everyday from. Exemplary behaviour. Super Brains. The ones who bailed me out of many a sticky situations. My best friends during my heydays. Silence...............time and distance did me apart. May be I had developed a habit of expecting too much too often from them. They obviously couldn't solve every problem of mine.
Last but not the least. The one, I think I was pretty Rude, Indifferent and Uncourteous to. Confident, Assured, Rooted and Dignified, one of the few Female friends of mine. I not only lost the Trust, the Bond, but also lost a great friend in her. I was too self obsessed, self centered on this occassion to pay no heed to the other side. A truce could have been made.
What pains me is the inamicable ways in which boundaries widened in these cases.
They say that, "Whenever a Friend achieves something, a little something in me dies!". I am least qualified to evaluate the statement, coz I don't even know who friends are and what they are for. I feel like I could never be a part of what they achieved and the time they were bereaved of something. I have so far failed to an extent in realizing the importance, participating in the joys and sorrows (more so ever) and comprehending the agonies and ecstasies of friendship.
That could be the reason why some believe I am Wierd, may be I am
Some say I am Irresponsible, may be I am
Some say I lack Commitment, may be I do
Some say I am Indisciplined, may be I am
Some say I am Psychotic, may be I am....................
and May be this is exactly everything a Friendship doesn't and shouldn't have room for, a Blog!
I hope I can manage it Gracefully in the Future.........................
